Is this a Piece of My Brain?

LA Trip Oct 2009

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:21:23 GMT

The past two years I've found myself in socal towards the end of October. Last years was the famed Rob n Marz go to hawaii after breaking up and not decide to get engaged trip <-- insert dashes between the words if you so please.

This year is my 10 year high school reunion. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it.

I haven't slept by myself for almost that same amount of time and it feels weird. I have blue dog here with me and he breathes heavy like jack and that's helping me feel better.

I wonder if I'll be able to get some perspective having some time away from jack to see if I think we should try and fix things or just throw in the towel...

I'm a weinie...

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:43:15 GMT

For some reason I just couldn't take the needle today. Made it an hour and a half and then tapped out. Boo.

Now I have to go back again and finish. Not that I mind handing with clifton and joking the whole while, but I was really looking forward to being done...

tattoo odyssey

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 05:24:40 GMT

Tomorrow will bring a close to my epic tattoo project. I almost can't believe it. Last month we finished the ribs and I believe tomorrow will finish the back. I know I've promised pictures before, but once it's healed then I'll post some.

I'll be damned if I leave there with something left to fill in!

firsts....

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 04:09:09 GMT

My very first basketball game. Warriors vs Mavericks... Pretty cool. Better than baseball. Beer... Equally expensive.

yesterdays...

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:14:38 GMT

Words cannot describe the joy!

14-1-09 oakland protest

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:23:43 GMT

Broadcasting from the front lines...

Massage Job Update

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 04:09:14 GMT

I got the job. *squee*

I am now the proud owner of 2 jobs. I am very excited.

A friend told me he was relieved to hear that america is no longer outsourcing their jobs, they are just giving those who are already employed second ones. It made me laugh, then feel sad. oh.

Practical Interviews...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:49:48 GMT

Tomorrow, a week and a half after an hour long phone interview, (which went super well! Instead of giving typical "interview" answers, I was honest and said exactly how I felt and how it was. REFRESHING!) I go in to have a face to face and a practical interview on the owner. My friend Turtle told me that the massage is just a formality based on the way the owner felt about me. That's all well and good, but it doesn't take away the nervous feelings in my guts.

I'm sure it will be fine, I'm a great therapist I still get crazy with nerves. bah. Now for an easy night and probably a hot bath to ease some sore muscles. Here's to holding down two jobs!

*crosses fingers*

How many cops...

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:59:29 GMT

Ok. So San Francisco cops have NOTHING to do because it took about 4 motorcycle cops and 2 squad cars to give my friend and I a fix it ticket. It takes 3 to write the ticket too.

Not only are they bored and have nothing better to do, but they also are dumb because the initial pulling over cop said the my friend knew the brake lights were broken because of the way he was driving. Really? Diligent AND psychic. Amazing.

dear san francisco bus stops

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:39:28 GMT

Please have your bus line numbers updated so people don't stand around looking like assholes while the bus passes them on another street.

Thank you.

giant hair monster!

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 02:11:02 GMT

Giant hair monster asside, I am having a pretty good afternoon. I just had the best massage EVAR! It was one of those massages where I felt dosed. There were clouds painted on the ceiling and when I opened my eyes, I could have swarn they were moving. The room looked warped and the floor seemed to crawl up the wall. I was wrecked. And GOOD NEWS! Its not a suppository, but he works in oakland half of the time!

And for the most part things with Rob and I haven't been stupid. More on that later...

2.10.08

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:22:36 GMT

So with a night filled with suck on a personal level... One Man Star Wars did not totally suck. In fact, was pretty funny.

nerding around

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 03:22:55 GMT

So last night, I found myself curled like a shrimp around my laptop. Lately I've found myself at the answering end of many computer/tech questions. The usual guy from work is gone for the week, so who else is going to put out the small fires.

I guess being part of generation Y really isn't so bad. I like being hooked into the matrix. Right now I'm sitting in an IMAX theatre wating to see The Dark Knight again, putting my thoughts down through my mobile phone onto the interweb!

Unfortunately, they are playing the sound tracks from some of the real shit joel shitmaker batman movies. Right now... Its that god awful U2 song from the last travesty.

tattoo tuesday

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:17:22 GMT

tomorrow I am going back for another session of my massive tattoo. This time i will take before and after photos to mark it's progression. the only thing that sucks is I have to cut my time short because I have to be at work for an all staff meeting. boo. plus I'm supposed to take photos of the faculty for the up and coming website overhaul. whee hooo.

I feel like a lot is being piled on my plate. at a certain point I'm going to have to start saying that I wont be able to do certain things because I'll just explode. It's such a small corporation that there's no back up. I've been out sick since wednesday... I can only imagine the pile up in my inbox and voicemail.... sigh... i do not look forward to wednesday when I will have to start sorting through it. bah!

Anyway... off for sleep, tomorrow's a busy day.

excuses...excuses...

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:48:32 GMT

For the longest time I've been writing entries about how I've been meaning to write here and why I haven't, then writing paltry snippet entries saying that I need to remember to write here... Well enough. For the last couple of months, I've been coasting. Auto pilot, cruise control, what have you.

Things at work changed and what I thought would be the same job with more pay has actually yielded more responsibilities, more respect from my peers, and more work. I haven't been following through with the deal I made with myself about not taking the work home with me. In some ways I have been thinking about work while I'm not there, but I expend so much mental energy while I'm there, when I'm off, all I want to do is mindless stuff where there is no thought process. I find that even having conversations with my friends can be trying.

Don't get me wrong, I really love my job. It's just that there's a lot to do and remember. People are counting on me to make a difference. This is by no means anything close to any of the jobs I've held in my past. People are looking to me for answers for their life! I guess that can be kinda heavy. Maybe that's why I haven't been writing. I've certainly been reading. Every other day, I sign in an lurk about. I just could not find the words in me.

I wonder what this job will do for me in the long run? I hadn't even been there 6 months and they gave me a promotion. Granted, my coworker was leaving. But they didn't have to give it to me. Apparently there were people who have been there 3 times as long as I have, who wanted the job, and they weren't even considered. It's all kinda crazy to me. I'm a valued member of the team. Sure there is drama, what work place doesn't have that. I just like that it's not me.

It has been an interesting experience. I work directly under the VP of the company. I know he tries so hard to remain professional. But there are times when we are alone in either my office or his and there's a joke or a comment, or something shared where it's not coming from the VP hat, but actually from him. It's nice. What's more, is that I think it's nice for him to be able to let that guard down, if even just for a moment. It must be hard to have everyone give you their "I'm working super hard, nicey nice" persona all the time. I'd fucking hate it. It'd be like that twilight zone episode where the gambling man dies and goes to a casino where he's always winning. Sure, at first it's all rosey and awesome, but after a while, shit you just want to shove a fork in your eye!

Well, i guess I'll wrap this up. I don't have to be to work until 11:30, but I do need to get up at 8 so I don't get a ticket on Rob's car. The adjacent parking lot is $1/1/2 hour and the meters are $1.25/hr... so yeah. I'd rather get some exercise every 2 hours than pay more for the convenience of going down there once. Go figure.

I've really been meaning to...

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:12:57 GMT

So yeah, I've really been meaning to write something here more than every two weeks, but for some reason I haven't been. Yesterday I spent the whole day talking and found that I really want to not talk at all today. I had some extra hours and since we're not allowed overtime at work, I took off early today. Which was nice, but I've gotten fuck all done. Most of it was spent lurking in the past at old comments and people who I've deleted or who have deleted me... poking through blogs and pictures, and feeling shitty over it all. Two hours later, I managed to tear myself away to go to the gym...

and now i'm bailing out to go see a movie at a friend's house...

Fri, 23 May 2008 05:37:14 GMT

I have been a very bad keeper of journal. bad. sigh. full of food and drink. time for sleep. hooray for going over my food limit.

Why all the Quiet?

Sun, 04 May 2008 18:44:52 GMT

Hooray for caffeine and loud music. for some reason that helps typing happen. I've been quiet because there are some major changes happening in my life and it's all been fucking strange. Sometimes I feel like an imposture... like... a small child dressing up in mommy's clothing.

My coworker is leaving. We work in a very small department at school. There is our boss, then us. Before, when I was a student, it was just the two of them... actually, just her and he would come in a bit and make sure things were going alright. Then as I came close to graduation, I was doing work for her to help pay off my school bills... she managed to talk the boss man into creating a job for me. So I took said job, because she said she was going to stay and we'd do it together. Now she has realized that she wants to stop working and be a full time mom. So, I've been promoted to her position. Raise too! like a 15% raise! which is great for the same amount of time and just a bit more responsibility because it will just be me. Which kinda sucks because I totally love working with her.

I remember her working alone in the office and trying to figure stuff out by herself. It really seemed lonely... now that gets to be me. Although another lady got promoted to the manager of the department, so I wont have all the responsibility put on me, but still. Working alone in an office can be very isolating. So yeah. I feel like a kid... pretending to be this grown up very important person, and it's so not me. I'm a bit dork. I watch cartoons and play video games, listen to spooky music and dress the same way I did as a teenager... snarky T shirts, jeans and ratty sneakers. Then I go to work in these "grown up" clothes and write these "big person" emails and such. I dunno... it's all very strange and I don't really know what to make of it sometimes.

shh

Fri, 02 May 2008 05:43:16 GMT

I'm feeling very quiet these days. So much is happening, I feel that I don't have much to say and that I'd rather just watch and take it all in. Sorta feeling down, but not really because things are good. Which is confusing... feeling down when things are good. eh. I feel that I'd just like to lay down for a long while and not do anything.

People start to talk to me and I get all worked up inside because I don't know what I'm going to say to them when they stop talking. Then I feel like it looks like I'm not listening and I get more worked up. eh.

Mode of Extreme Fail

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:57:50 GMT

"What do you mean I can't make a payment in the bank?"

yeah. So trying to pay off your student loan before the repayment period, not so easy. Logging into the bank's website, there was no place to pay online. GOING to the bank, THEM: "what's your account number?" ME: "gosh, I don't know. I couldn't find it online" THEM: "You can't make a payment in the bank. You have to call this number and they'll give you the address you can send checks to" ME:...THEM: /hands me a post-it. ME: k... FAIL!

later....

/me calls number: round and round in circles in the automated dial-a-tron.... Finally a human! ME: how can I pay my loan off online. THEM: you can't pay it off online or in the bank until you go into repayment. ME:...uh... really? THEM: You can go to your bank and set up a bill payment... ME:... do I need an account number to do that? THEM: yes. ME:... i can has account number? THEM: you don't has account number? You CAN has account number. ME: *sigh* thanks.

Long story becomes shorter... I go to my bank's website and can't figure it out so I walk down the street to MY bank and they help me set it up. Crap, I don't know the address! ok narrowed it down to the education loans area, there are two addresses. same city and state, different PO boxes. ech. just picked one. made payment. Wonders: why is it so hard to pay money to a bank? Don't they want my money? Maybe they'd just like more interest before I start to pay them, that way they get more money.

Moral of the story: MR money bank you FAIL

Oh my, such language

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:02:18 GMT

Cock fucking rat cage, mother grabbing toilet. ARGH, shitty fucking bathroom too small to negotiate . I just cant maneuver the cage in and out without smashing shit up or making whole lot of fucking noise and jarring crashing sounds as i trundle it back and forth.

that is all

wow it's been a while

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 03:53:38 GMT

It's been a month since my last post and I'm not sure why. it's not as if I've been too busy. There has been a lot of change going on in my life right now so maybe that's why. Sometimes when there is too much on my mind or on my plate, I just can't seem to get my thoughts together on the subject. My personal life has been changing as has my work life. ( I just typed "work like"... funny and telling!) This feels like such a time of transition. Not just for me, but for most people I know right now. It feels like there is something in the air, but I feel like I've been saying that for a few years now. Bubbles seem to burst on the surface, change happens, but I feel as if I'm still waiting for that big thing that changes everything. Perhaps I'm holding my breath for something that's not going to happen. Perhaps I'm missing all the small change that's going on around me by thinking that it is all going to happen at once. I don't think I'd be to cool with that scenario. Making small incremental changes is by far easier than changing everything all at once, so why do I feel I need to do it the stupid way?

On a totally separate note. I feel like a fuddy duddy. Friday night I accompanied my chums to a show. It turned out to be a metal show *cough* /throws the horns... Obviously, I'm not the biggest metal fan. That's not to say I don't like it... there's just stuff out there that I like better. So I'm one for trying new things... I'll give this a go. So the headliner is a band I'd never heard of. <p><a href="http://www.jucifer.com/">Jucifer</a> is the band.</p>
The two opening bands were real crap. Very stereotypical metal sound, stance...hair. But I am trying. I find that they sound better if I sink back into my little own patch of darkness with my drink. So the main event starts. First blinding light, then deafening sound. They had built a wall of speakers around the back of the stage. NEAT! but very loud. So there I am resting by chin in my hands and sticking by fingers in my ears to keep my ear drums from leaking out of my ears. Honestly, I just couldn't get into it. It just wasn't my cup of tea. I like loud music, but it left me with the feeling of an old doddering lacy goth, shaking a pale fist and wailing, "hey you kids, get your metal off my lawn".

It just makes me feel sad that it was too loud and I couldn't get into it because I couldn't understand it. (trying to look at it as a conceptual sound piece didn't help either.)

Oh well, looks like its time for an Epsom salt bath, a glass of warm milk and falling asleep in front of the TV watching Macgyver.

ugh

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 09:58:03 GMT

what the fuck is wrong with me? just when I think i'm doing alright, i go and do something stupid and make myself look totally insane. Way to go. I really want to know why someone thinks something of me. great! i know how I'll get them to tell me... I'll sit in their car until they do. wow that's not working... I'll continue to sit in their car till they tell me. that's STILL not working. I'll CONTINUE to sit here. fuck i'm stupid. i seriously want to crawl in a hole and die.

And yet, I still want to know what I did wrong... obviously before the sitting and saying i'm not leaving till you tell me what I did to you. you'd think that'd work. nope. just made me look fucking nuts. yay me! I look more nuts that ever before. even to myself. in my mind, i've already decided that i will be staying home from work. i just want to fold in on myself. i've truly hit a new low. I can't even believe i did that. I wish I knew why having information kept from me pushes me to do things i normally wouldn't do. something from my childhood... i really can't pull it out... all i know is i went too far and men in white coats with nets have every right to bust in my door right now

Time Suck

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:39:24 GMT

How is it already 1030? add to my plate one more website to waste my time on... thanks facebook... the gym, and work and now I have to get ready for bed again to get up. At least there is a different day ahead of me tomorrow. Get up, go to work, borrow car, come back home, try not to die carrying massage table down the stairs to said borrowed car, give amazing massage, drive back home and AGAIN try not to die a worse death than before carrying massage table back up to the third floor, then drive car back to work and hope to god I don't get conned to work a bit, then dick around for the rest of the day, hopefully with my pony leg friends, then see a show in the evening and with any luck I'll have a ride so I don't have to leave early to catch bart, or sleep on a bench somewhere waiting for bart to start running again. Why oh why isn't the subway here 24 hours?!?!?

I feel better having posted something, as mundane as it is.

Work Place Rant!

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Why oh why is it when people aren't doing something right, either because they just don't know how or they are too stupid to admit it, they screw shit up!?!? Why, even after a specifically drafted email is sent, attempting to fix the problem and oh so delicately taking the work out of their hands so that they can't screw shit up, do they, continue, to screw the same shit up!?!?